Update/Quasi-Recovery

Apologies for my extended absence! I’ve been really caught up with life, and living it to its fullest. I have been so joyful, so confident in myself, and so grateful for everything. Thank you family, friends, and peers, for being such amazing influences! I love you more than anything; I am incredibly lucky to be surrounded by these beautiful people. 

I’ve done things recently that my middle school self had never dreamt of doing. I haven’t been afraid to speak up in classes and discussions to voice my own opinions. I haven’t let my false perceptions of myself deceive me. I even asked someone to a dance! These things all seem rather straightforward to some people, but for someone who has struggled with social anxiety, they are huge leaps. I am, very simply put, in love with life

What is my point in saying this? 

Although I am so happy with where I am right now, it doesn’t mean I’m not struggling with certain things. Near the beginning of the holidays, I was really scared of challenging my eating disorder. My life seemed so good that I didn’t want to disrupt it with anything fear-inducing. I wanted to stay in a sort of “quasi-recovery”. However, this state of half-recovery is a very dangerous place to be in; for one, it can very easily lead to a relapse. Your ED can creep in before you realize it, and in very subtle and unnoticeable ways. Quasi-recovery is not fighting your disorder, but rather coming to a compromise with it, which is not the goal. It isn’t really fully living. You do not want to make peace with your ED- you want to defy it, barrel at it with the very last reserve of strength you have. You cannot keep certain parts of your disorder if you want to truly be free from its toxic grasp. In order to fully recover, you must go all-in. Challenge every single ED behavior, no matter how small. Do exposures whenever you can. Actively work to fight urges. Don’t overwork yourself; take as much time as you need. Just make sure you are doing the absolute best you possibly can.  

For me, structure was vital. In order to complete certain challenges, I had to sit down and plan them out with a family member or friend. This may seem unnatural at first, especially to the person you are doing the challenges with; however, I promise it will come much more naturally if you continue completing them. I hadn’t imagined ever willingly wanting to have this one specific fear food, but through multiple planned (and some spontaneous!) exposures to it, I progressed immensely. I recently had some of it very naturally and intuitively, without any second thoughts. This, to me, is a huge improvement! It goes to show that doing uncomfortable things and truly pushing yourself to your full potential yields unmistakable advancement.

Anyways, this was my short update/motivation! I hope you have a wonderful day! 🙂

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